Anticipatory Grief

Many pet guardians begin to fear the death of their heart pets, especially in the face of a terminal diagnosis or advanced age. We know losing them is inevitable, but this reality is too much to even contemplate.

We can become stuck in a twisted, torturous limbo, where we can't enjoy the present and the future is scary and unpredictable. We can't emotionally prepare for such turmoil and how could we?

We may not even believe this feeling is normal or valid. We know it the impact is deep. We feel the pain is real. Yet still, we feel confused. How can I grieve my pet when they're still beside me? Shouldn't I be more appreciative of what I have, right now?

Welcome, friends, to the dreaded 'anticipatory grief'. But it's not all bad.

Anticipatory grief IS grief. Yes, it's possible to grieve someone when they're still alive. Why? Our minds take us to the future, in an effort to prepare us for life without such great emotional sustenance. Your mind is your friend here, albeit a rather unhelpful one.

Speaking of the mind, both yours and mine react the same in face of anticipatory grief. We're scared and grieving because we love and care. We have established deeply profound bonds with our pets. After all, they give us what most humans can't or won't; a continual meeting of needs, combined with the purest kind of unconditional love. Total and full. Without judgement.

How can even the prospect of losing this not destroy us? You can't love fully and not grieve fully. The two go hand-in-hand, especially although not exclusively, in relation to pet loss.

So what to do? Sit in isolation with your pet until death? Plough forward in complete denial? Appreciate every moment to the fullest, savouring every last drop of their enriching and precious lives?

It's natural to want to do all of the above, all at different times, or all at the same time. Such is the unknown enigma of grief. It makes no sense. Has no predictable pattern. Is confusing, confronting, devastating, enriching, transformative and well, just outright wild. A wild beast, never to be tamed or understood. Perhaps a true understanding shall remain elusive, especially your grief. That grief which belongs to you.

So what to do? How do we manage the anticipated death of our heart pet? The grief aside, the welfare of the pet must come first.

Regular contact with a trusted vet would be advisable. Regular quality-of-life assessments. Robust pain management and necessary medications. I know these things can add to the finality of the situation, but we owe our beloved companions more than pain. Love is never suffering.

In regard to the anticipatory grief, we should look to gently approach it in a similar manner to post-death grief:

• Acknowledge and Accept: This thing is happening. If you have a timeframe due to illness, that day will surely come. If your pet is ageing, there remains an unknown element which can be clarified via professional assistance. Ultimately, we will lose our soul animals. No, we can't fully prepare, but yes, we can acknowledge the inevitable.

• Normalise: To live is to lose. To love is to grieve. It's so normal you feel so strongly about losing someone so precious. Anticipatory grief is real, valid and expected. Most, if not all pet parents go though it.

• Self-Compassion and Care: Try to look after yourself in addition to your pet. Focus on the basics and acknowledge the pain you're in. Food, sleep, water and fresh air. Kind self-talk. Loving friends and family. Do what you can to get by.

• The Here & Now: We must also acknowledge that our pet is still alive. There are memories to be made. Photographs to be taken. Treats to enjoy. Car rides and adventures to be had. Fill your camera roll and your heart with as much as feasibly possible. You won't regret it.

It's been said that a 'healthy' (whatever that means) period of anticipatory pet grief can lead to a less impactful post-death experience and possibly a shorter duration of mourning. I'm not so sure. As I mentioned earlier, I don't think anything can fully prepare you for not having your pet by your side.

That being said, if you attempt to adopt a post-death grief mindset during anticipatory grief - acknowledging, accepting, validating, normalising, prioritising self-compassion, care and kindness, you may carry these things through into 'that time after.'

Find your people and your community. Reach out for love and support. Touch, hold and embrace. Cry and laugh. It's your grief, on your terms.

Take the best care. Grant 💛

Close Bonds